Post by Pam on Apr 20, 2009 10:10:31 GMT -6
Yesterday we attend an Eye Donor Program. Ryan always told me that should anything ever happen to him he wanted to be donor. Where he would be going he wouldn't need anything and if he could save a life he wanted to. That was Ryan, always thinking of others...always. Just ask his friends. He was selfless.
So yesterday they honored those who gave and those left behind. It was hard, so very very hard. Another realization that Ryan is in fact gone. A fact I try so very hard to stuff away. It gets harder though as time goes on. We are forced little by little to face the fact that he is gone.
They had a slide show of all the people who donated, in other words died, last year. I was stunned at how many young people there were. Ryan's photo was the biggest. His smile, those eyes, they filled they room. Oh God how I miss him. I miss how he loved me, I miss every single thing about him.
They also had recipients talk. Talk about what it was like to get their sight back. The mother who for the first time could see her baby's face, his eyes, his freckles; she couldn't see them before. The guilt, of knowing that to gain her sight someone, probably a young person had to die.
I want so much to look into the eyes of the person who received Ryan's beautiful eyes. But I cant. I can however write to them and tell them what a wonderful person he was and how he would be so happy that something good could come of his tragic death.
I want my old life back. The life where I had all my kids and they were all healthy. I cried when I found out that Tanner was a boy when I was pg with him. I have felt so guilty about that. I wanted a sister for Kara. I know how much I have needed mine. Then half way through they thought I was going to lose him. I prayed so hard to God to let him be healthy. I asked for forgiveness for crying that day. All I wanted was a healthy baby. God granted me my wish that day. I never knew just how much he would give to us during such a dark period of our lives. Tanner, our shinning little star, our sunshine. He makes us laugh, he takes care of his sister. We couldn't get through this without him.
Yes, God does know what he is doing, he does have plan, and we have to accept it for we have no other choice if we want to be reunited with our loved ones. We have to believe, even when we don't want to. We have to trust even when we trust no one. Its not easy...there are moments I am so angry at him. But I continue to pray that he will help us, help us to believe fully once again.
I "keep moving toward the sunshine. Even if it is over the horizon and behind the clouds right now. It is surely still there" - fish
One step forward, three steps back...
Pam
So yesterday they honored those who gave and those left behind. It was hard, so very very hard. Another realization that Ryan is in fact gone. A fact I try so very hard to stuff away. It gets harder though as time goes on. We are forced little by little to face the fact that he is gone.
They had a slide show of all the people who donated, in other words died, last year. I was stunned at how many young people there were. Ryan's photo was the biggest. His smile, those eyes, they filled they room. Oh God how I miss him. I miss how he loved me, I miss every single thing about him.
They also had recipients talk. Talk about what it was like to get their sight back. The mother who for the first time could see her baby's face, his eyes, his freckles; she couldn't see them before. The guilt, of knowing that to gain her sight someone, probably a young person had to die.
I want so much to look into the eyes of the person who received Ryan's beautiful eyes. But I cant. I can however write to them and tell them what a wonderful person he was and how he would be so happy that something good could come of his tragic death.
I want my old life back. The life where I had all my kids and they were all healthy. I cried when I found out that Tanner was a boy when I was pg with him. I have felt so guilty about that. I wanted a sister for Kara. I know how much I have needed mine. Then half way through they thought I was going to lose him. I prayed so hard to God to let him be healthy. I asked for forgiveness for crying that day. All I wanted was a healthy baby. God granted me my wish that day. I never knew just how much he would give to us during such a dark period of our lives. Tanner, our shinning little star, our sunshine. He makes us laugh, he takes care of his sister. We couldn't get through this without him.
Yes, God does know what he is doing, he does have plan, and we have to accept it for we have no other choice if we want to be reunited with our loved ones. We have to believe, even when we don't want to. We have to trust even when we trust no one. Its not easy...there are moments I am so angry at him. But I continue to pray that he will help us, help us to believe fully once again.
I "keep moving toward the sunshine. Even if it is over the horizon and behind the clouds right now. It is surely still there" - fish
One step forward, three steps back...
Pam
And so my week begins.