checking in

[Pam]

Hey guys. Fish, thanks so much for the email. I also never thanked you for the one sent a while ago about your sailing trip. Sometimes we have no idea how what we say affects people. I hope you dont mind that I shared it with my family. My mom still reminds me of it when times get really tough. When I am hitting a real low I remind myself of your story and it truly helps get me through knowing that over time those lows will level out more. As much as it can, it makes it a bit easier...thank you.

I havent checked in mostly because I've been so down and depressed. I didnt want to bring everyone down here. To say this has been tough would be a gross understatement. Some days I just dont know how I'm going to make it. Such a big part of me died with Ryan. Then I go and pick Tanner up from school. As soon as he sees me he breaks into a sprint with the biggest smile on his face. He jumps in the car and starts right in about his day and how wonderful it was. He's amazing...I am so glad God has given him to me.

I am not sure if I've told smoke about this or not but I was able to get some details about the accident..details about Ryan's last few moments here. Apparently he wasn't killed instantly. That just kills me knowing that. I hope so much he didn't feel any pain. It also makes me wonder if I had been there if there would have been anything I could have done to save him. If hearing my voice would have helped him hold on...or just to be there to hold him and tell him I loved him.

I know in my head that even if his heart would have kept beating he wouldn't have made it. When I went to the hospital to see him the night of the accident they had to hold his head together. But I still wonder if my presence would have made a difference for him.

He lived for about 2 minutes after the accident....2 minutes of time that I will always wonder about.

I miss him so much. So much that I just don't know what to do with myself. He was such an amazing young man. We were so close. I am going to seek out a support group. I'm not sure I can do this without one. never thought I'd say that.

I am still waiting for them to complete the accident reconstruction. There are only a few people in our state that do that so apparently it can take up to 3 months. I'm not looking forward to that but its something I need to know about.

So as for how I'm doing...quite honestly, not well...but I will get there. I have 3 kids that are counting on it.

Thanks for all your support guys, I really appreciate it...and need it.

[fish]

Pam,

Support group is a good idea, but individual counseling may also be a good idea.

I know that over the past few years you have taken a number of heavy blows, both physical and emotional.

You have soldered on through it all. Powerlifting, Etc.

But the potential cumulative effect can not be denied.

Ryan was the dam breaker, and what you struggled so hard to hold back may all be flooding through.

The water has got to be deep, and anyone could easily get swept away and drown in sorrow and despair.

But who am I to say such things ?

I think maybe anybody in your spot, including you, should check in with an expert .

In the meantime, keep rowing while the boat is afloat, and keep swimming if it sinks. You're going to make it.

How is Jack, by the way ?

Best regards,

fish

[Pam]

Thanks for this fish. I'm not sure what my plans are for seeking individual counseling just yet. Somedays I think I'm ready, others I dont.

All I really know is what I am going through is pure hell...and I have to walk through this hell before I can begin to heal...unfortunately I have a feeling its going to be a long walk.

Jack is doing pretty good. I couldnt do this without him. I am so lucky to have him. Amazing how circumstances and events in your life bring people to you. People that really change your life.

Thank you.