Post by Pam on Jan 20, 2009 11:43:33 GMT -6
Hey guys, sorry for not being around. I needed to check out for a while. I'm battling quite a depression. I have some good days...mostly bad. I want to touch my son, feel him, hold him...in such a way that words can not possibly express.
Its so hard for me to believe he is really gone. My beautiful son. He was my best friend...my son. I miss all we shared. I miss the way he loved me. He loved me so much. God I miss that. I miss all those text messages, the nights with him sitting on the edge of my bed telling me about his night. About the party he didnt go to because when he got there they were drinking, about the friend he helped out, about swinging at a park with all his friends, jumping off the swing and landing on his cell phone.
I miss him going outside to check a noise I heard and seeing him take off after a rabbit...he thought is was a person...dont ask how you mistaken a rabbit for a person...we are still trying to figure that out.
I miss Thursdays..that was our day..he picked it. He wanted a day we could just hang out together..hang out..he wanted to hang out with me.
I am trying the best I know how...most of the time its one step forward and 3 steps back. I will get there....where I'm not sure. But I'll do it for Ryan, for Kara and Tanner. I know one thing, I am trying to live my life they way God wants me too...because when its my time, I want to be on the road that leads straight to Ryan...
He was always so afraid dead was just dead....
I miss him.
Today...I got up, got dressed, cried for my son...ate breakfast, cleaned the kitchen...so far so good
Pam
Its so hard for me to believe he is really gone. My beautiful son. He was my best friend...my son. I miss all we shared. I miss the way he loved me. He loved me so much. God I miss that. I miss all those text messages, the nights with him sitting on the edge of my bed telling me about his night. About the party he didnt go to because when he got there they were drinking, about the friend he helped out, about swinging at a park with all his friends, jumping off the swing and landing on his cell phone.
I miss him going outside to check a noise I heard and seeing him take off after a rabbit...he thought is was a person...dont ask how you mistaken a rabbit for a person...we are still trying to figure that out.
I miss Thursdays..that was our day..he picked it. He wanted a day we could just hang out together..hang out..he wanted to hang out with me.
I am trying the best I know how...most of the time its one step forward and 3 steps back. I will get there....where I'm not sure. But I'll do it for Ryan, for Kara and Tanner. I know one thing, I am trying to live my life they way God wants me too...because when its my time, I want to be on the road that leads straight to Ryan...
He was always so afraid dead was just dead....
I miss him.
Today...I got up, got dressed, cried for my son...ate breakfast, cleaned the kitchen...so far so good
Pam
And so my week begins.