.4 away

[Pam]

From being down 35 lbs. ;D

It's going to be a long ride. Tanner wants to w/o me now, same age Ryan was when we started w/o together....have I mentioned I miss that boy so damn much? There are just no words to express how much. His birthday is coming up soon, he would have been 23....

[fish]

new wardrobe time

[Smoke]

If Pam is anything like me!..and I know she is...she already has that "new" wardrobe...not exactly new but hasn't been worn for awhile. I have a pair of size 11 jeans that I used to have draped over my weight bench for incentive and I also have that favorite ol'pair of cut~offs that are ready to fall apart....both would be "new" to me. There is also that box at the bottom of the bed with jeans in...size 29-36...that I keep because I just know one day the will all fit once again.

Fish is right though Pam...go treat yourself and I want to see the pic!

[Pam]

I'm not a shopper, weird for a woman I know. Shoes are my thing, hiking boots, hiking shoes, tennis shoes, drives Kara nuts that I don't wear the girly stuff.

Sue is right, all I had to do was go shopping in my closet. Pulled some bins out and gained a few "new" tshirts and a bunch of sweat shirts. Also found about 3 pair of jeans but they are high waters now, thought I was shrinking not getting taller. They will make good work pants though.

38 lbs...don't ask me why typing that makes me cry...I've been working so hard for so long that it feels so good to have found something that works for me. I think too that I'm doing it and not letting the demons in my head convince me that I dont deserve this. Plateaued for about 3+ weeks but kept at it. I know it probably doesn't sound like much to you guys but it's been so hard since Ryan was killed.

Sorry...just been a hard week with Ry's birthday coming up.

[Smoke]

Ok Fish..Pam's crying...she made me cry this morning, Ya better join in!...we're family here.

I think we have known each other at least 10 years now, maybe more...you deserve this more than just about anyone else I've ever known! Bask in the light and enjoy it! Great job in keeping at it and breaking through...there will be another one and you will break through that one as well.

Your doing so well...I'm really so proud of you!

[fish]

ah, life.

one of the things about getting old is that when i weep i am usually smiling, ruefully perhaps, certainly not joyfully, but smiling, somewhere, at least a little.

your son is with God in heaven, you will very soon see him again and forever.

in the meantime, like Saint Francis, just keep hoeing your garden.

of course, all of this is easy to say and hard to do.

so, what's the plan for tomorrow ?

[Pam]

Tomorrow...as the little sign Kara gave me 2 years ago says, Plan for tomorrow...get through it.

I hate the days I just "get through" but I have come to accept that I will have more of them than I care to think about.

My plan is always to make it the best day I can for my kids....it will work until they are out of the house on their own...then what? I don't have a clue.

I try to live to make Ryan proud....I don't know guys, always thought I loved my kids too much for God to take one from me. Thought maybe he'd take the ones who are being abused...but as you said one day I will be with him again and I will finally understand, until then, my plan for tomorrow is to accept that fact and live the best I can.

Fish you always make me think...

And Sue, thanks, you are a huge reason I stick with it...I don't think you know just how much.

It's been a long day, I'm off to the loft to sit on the couch Ryan always sat on with me and hold his T-shirt and cry...but it a healthy cry, and a well needed one...sometimes crying for me feels so cleansing, like clearing room in my heart...

[Smoke]

No wonder your losing weight!...all the water from the tears.

Hang tight, Ryan would be very proud of you.

[Pam]

Thanks Sue.

If it worked that I'd be a rail