The darkness...

[Pam]

Seems to be coming early this season. Not the sun setting early but the thoughts of yet another holiday season without Ryan.

It's a fight every year, one that leaves me beaten and bruised.

I have decided to set goals this time.

First I need to continue working out, 3-5 days a week.

Next I would like to be able to get back to church. I go and I completely break down, I don't why, it's embarrassing. I might need to detach, I've gotten good at that, just to get through but it's a step.

Next I m going to give myself permission to feel, to have days that I just check out, or cry all day, days I don't have to put on the mask and let it just be ok to not be ok.

That's it, I know it doesn't seem like much.

And if you'd indulge me...

I miss that boy so damn much, I miss how he loved me, I miss our talks, the coffees, his smile, those beautiful eyes, I miss his sense of humor, that infectious laugh, listening to his dreams...I miss him with absolutely every ounce of my being...

Behind my smile is a hurting heart, behind my laugh, I'm falling apart. Look closely at me and you will see, the person I am isn't me.

[Pam]

And if I can add, when no one else will let me tell the same story for the 100th time (Jack and he kids excluded), my twin never lets me down...and never lets me give up. And somehow she always knows when to temper compassion with tough love. What would we do without this thing they called the Internet.

And fish, it's this time of year I turn to my mug with your words on it to help me get through, and if I may add, they do ring true.

[fish]

there are wounds that do not heal.

sometimes wounds must bleed to keep from becoming infected.

bind your wounds up.

let them bleed, but don't bleed to death.

live.

[Pam]

Thanks fish