God

[Pam]

As I'm sure you can imagine my relationship with God has changed a lot since losing Ryan. I still believe but have doubted more.

Both the kids have found answers to some of their questions and have been brought closer to God by relationships they have forged. Kara with the priest up at UMD and Tanner with a young pastor (little older than Ryan would have been) of a church he attends on Wednesday nights with his friends. I am so grateful for both these men as they have been wonderful influences in both their lives. Tanner has just recently started meeting with this pastor, this man that gives freely of his time to Tanner once a week.

He told Tanner something last week that I have a question about. He told him he had to completely give his life to God and when he did he would get the answers he was seeking. Not right away but that he would "speak" to him.

What does that look like? Giving yourself completely to God. How do I do that. I am ready, I'm just not sure I know how and I feel really embarrassed saying that. I went to religious classes, I go to church, not as regular as I used to, how is it I don't know what it means to give yourself completely to him.

I was having a really hard time a couple of weeks ago, asking God to please help me, asking why he isn't here for me, why when I need him most can I not see him or feel him. I was in the car waiting for Tanner to get back and was crying. I opened up Facebook on my phone and my cousins wife had posted yet another video of yet more people singing. I never click on anything she posts, but I did. I posted the words to the song below. I listened, and I cried, and my entire body got hot. I hear people say stuff like that, that they felt God but I never have, not that I have been aware of anyway. But my entire body was hot, it was a weird feeling, I've never felt anything like that before, I think, but I'm not sure that I actually felt God. It made me realize that I am ready to have him back...that I need him back. Now I just need to know, how do I let him in my life, how do I give my life completely to him. I'm asking, I really want to know.

"I Won't Let Go"

It's like a storm
That cuts a path
It breaks your will
It feels like that

You think you're lost
But you're not lost on your own
you're not alone

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
If you can't cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go

It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it's dark
This part of life
Oh it finds us all
And we're too small
To stop the rain
Oh but when it rains

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
And you can't cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight

And I won't let you fall
Don't be afraid to fall
I'm right here to catch you
I won't let you down
It won't get you down
you're gonna make it
Yeah I know you can make it

Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
And you can't cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go
Oh I'm gonna hold you
And I won't let go
Won't let you go
No I won't

[fish]

i think it is unfortunate when pastors and preachers say these things because many people, if not most people, are not so blessed as to really feel the presence and hear the voice of God.

if anyone gave herself to God, it was Teresa. yet she said God was silent to her. it is agonizing to read her story as found in her letters.

"Eli Eli lama sabachthani?"

Jesus Christ on his cross asked why God had forsaken Him.

As we do, on ours.