Exhaustion

[Pam]

So for the past few weeks I have been wiped out. Even if I sleep good I wake up exhausted. I have been working non stop on the house, tiling, more tiling and then some tiling. Work is constant but still it didn't feel right that I was THIS tired. I started to get worried a bit the last few days because I just don't feel right and then yesterday I realized that I'm depressed. You'd think after all these years I'd recognize when depression sets in. Weirdly realizing what was wrong actually helped me feel better.

I think the main problem is I am having a really hard time getting over my mom and dad forgetting Ryan's birthday. Not too long ago my dad told me people just forget, the don't think about him and I need to get over it. That cut like a knife. I get his friends forgetting, which they NEVER do, but not my family...thats just not right. My mom called me before she went to bed and told me she hadn't forgotten Ryan's birthday...hmmm...so you didn't call why then? Did she think that make things better? You didn't forget, you made a conscious decision not to call your daughter on one of the hardest days of the year for her. Would have been better if she just told me she forgot. I need forgive, even though forgiveness has not been asked for, thats really tough for me.

I know it is what it is but they are my parents, Ryan's grandparents...I wish more people would look beyond themselves and their own needs.

I've said at some point to everyone in my family, I'm so depressed I just don't know what to do, I feel like I'm going crazy. If someone called me and told me that I don't care what I was doing I would be there. I'd be sure they had a few meals, offer to run errands...something, Jack always asks why I don't ask for help...I do, I do....everyone is just too busy to hear.

Thanks for allowing me to vent.

[Smoke]

Anytime!

[fish]

"I wish more people would look beyond themselves and their own needs."

My dear Pam,

Maybe out of line on this one, but here goes ...

As you consider what motivates your parents, and as you look beyond yourself and your own needs to consider theirs, please consider that they lost more than a Grandson when Ryan died. They lost their Daughter.

With respect, try this:

You are still here.

But you are not.

You are not the same person.

Ryan's death took a big part of you away.

They want all of you back.

They are angry at everyone who is even remotely responsible for their losses - even Ryan.

Their Grandson is dead, and their Daughter has been stolen from them.

Ryan is gone. They can't do anything about that. But you are still here. They want you back, whole and entire.

They want this all to go away so they can have their Daughter back.

Don't all of us pretend the bad things didn't happen, as if the bad will go away and all be better?

Keep the faith,

Fish

[Pam]

I have thought of that fish. I'm not sure if this holds ture for them or not.

I will try though, from now on to assume it does. Frankly it would make this better to assume they thought this way. I've been privy to conversations they don't im aware of so it will take some time. But true or not if I can convince myself its true it would sure help.

You are not out of line. I always appreciate hearing your point of view. And as I type this, even after what I just wrote, I am letting your words sink in...myself I am quilty of the same thing. Maybe I haven't been looking beyond myself.

Thanks fish.